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Is Hell Exothermic?
It's probably an urban myth, but I like it anyway. A student reportedly got an A for his reply to this:
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department, University of
Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like “Why do airplanes fly?”
In May a few years ago, the “Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer” exam paper contained the
question: “Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or similar.
One student, however wrote the following:
First we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of
souls also must have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving
As for souls entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some
religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and the death rates what they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume
needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Theresa Banyan during the freshman
year) that “it’ll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and taking into account that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; … thus, Hell
is exothermic.
Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department, University of
Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like “Why do airplanes fly?”
In May a few years ago, the “Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer” exam paper contained the
question: “Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”
Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or similar.
One student, however wrote the following:
First we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of
souls also must have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving
As for souls entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some
religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more
than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and the death rates what they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume
needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Theresa Banyan during the freshman
year) that “it’ll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and taking into account that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; … thus, Hell
is exothermic.
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Still damn good, though.
I also like the proof that Heaven is hotter than Hell.