Nice one -- and it's fascinating to see the edits! (Also, Heine is always welcome...)
The first line of the fourth verse sounded rhythmically off to me compared to the others, and I couldn't work out why, given that it's practically identical to the original -- but on further reflection I think it's *because* it's closer to the original than the other verses, which are all rhymed on a strong syllable at the end of the line. In order to match that for this line you need to distort the natural stress-pattern of "FATH-erland" (accented like "Igenlode" :-p) into Father-LAND, and I think that's why it sounded somehow 'false'.
"A curse on our false homeland's name That nurtures infamy and shame"? (Or "nurtures only blight and shame"? Closer in one way to the original but a little farther in another.)
The other thing that jolts me, but I can't work out why, is the chorus of "We're weaving" -- but again, that's identical in meaning and metre to the original. It just seemed... the wrong tense, somehow; too *continuous* to be something that would naturally be used as the refrain of a poem in English, or to carry the ominous threat of the original. ("We are weaving" isn't the same thing, exactly, as "We weave" -- the latter is more existential and the former a description of current status.)
"We weave on -- we weave on!" "We're weaving, and weaving."
I don't know... Looking at the other two translations, I see that they both went for "We're weaving" as well :-)
I actually like the Sasha Foreman translation better, not having strong feelings about spinning wheels :-p The Bowring one is very oldfashioned ("A curse on the God to whom our petition/We vainly address'd when in starving condition"), and the Foreman one has got some terrific lines in it (the God "who mocked us and poxed us and cast us aside"/"We weave unfailing, night and day").
no subject
(Also, Heine is always welcome...)
The first line of the fourth verse sounded rhythmically off to me compared to the others, and I couldn't work out why, given that it's practically identical to the original -- but on further reflection I think it's *because* it's closer to the original than the other verses, which are all rhymed on a strong syllable at the end of the line. In order to match that for this line you need to distort the natural stress-pattern of "FATH-erland" (accented like "Igenlode" :-p) into Father-LAND, and I think that's why it sounded somehow 'false'.
"A curse on our false homeland's name
That nurtures infamy and shame"? (Or "nurtures only blight and shame"? Closer in one way to the original but a little farther in another.)
The other thing that jolts me, but I can't work out why, is the chorus of "We're weaving" -- but again, that's identical in meaning and metre to the original. It just seemed... the wrong tense, somehow; too *continuous* to be something that would naturally be used as the refrain of a poem in English, or to carry the ominous threat of the original. ("We are weaving" isn't the same thing, exactly, as "We weave" -- the latter is more existential and the former a description of current status.)
"We weave on -- we weave on!"
"We're weaving, and weaving."
I don't know...
Looking at the other two translations, I see that they both went for "We're weaving" as well :-)
I actually like the Sasha Foreman translation better, not having strong feelings about spinning wheels :-p
The Bowring one is very oldfashioned ("A curse on the God to whom our petition/We vainly address'd when in starving condition"), and the Foreman one has got some terrific lines in it (the God "who mocked us and poxed us and cast us aside"/"We weave unfailing, night and day").